Fixing It.

Hello, my name is Laura, and I... Am a Fixer.

I like to fix things that are broken.  And this unfortunately includes other people.  If someone comes to me with a broken piece of themselves, I try to fix it.  I try to Solution and Solve.  I try to Summarize and Analyze and Come Up With A Plan.  I do this because I love them. And to see them hurt quite realistically hurts me too.  I am a Feeler.  And a Fixer. And that can make for a pretty heavy combo.  And sometimes not the best combo.

So when it's ME that is hurting, I try to fix it.  I come up with a plan to salvage what I can and get the best outcome.  I tick boxes and when everything is nicely tucked away, I nod and carry on.  

But maybe, fixing is not the answer all the time.  Maybe the things that I do for myself and others when I try to fix is not helping, and quite possibly hurting.  Maybe Fixing is an entirely different entity than Healing.  Maybe setting the bone and throwing on a cast may make the wound look better, but inside, that break is still there.  It's just more appealing to me now.  

There are a lot of things that I can't fix.  And that is so incredibly scary to me.  As a mother with little ducklings who are finding their footing in an increasingly scary world, I am terrified almost every day about the truths that are lurking just around the corner for them.  And my gut instinct is to try and fix it.  But how do I fix a broken world?  How do I erase the traces of terror and bloodshed and cruelty?  How do I fix that for them?

I can't.

How terrifying those two words are.

How terrifying to know that I am launching three tiny souls into a world that will do its best to break them down, to scare them into a certain mindset, to make them believe things about themselves that have never and will never be True.  

So what CAN I do?

I can start with me.  I can start with my husband. I can start with my kids. I can start with my friends.  

I can start where I am.  I can start where we are.

I can invite people over for dinner. I can show them laughter around a table full of food. I can show them the freedom in sharing your truths, even the messy ones, with people you love. I can show them what it is to build a community with people who Get It.  I can show them what it is to know that some people won't understand and will not repay kindness with kindness, but that we do it anyway.  

I can show them that despite a world full of evil, there is an undercurrent of Grace and Joy that will not be snuffed out, regardless of what happens.  I can show them that there is a God that is bigger than all of this, that is not just a made-up theory to make living bearable, but a Living Vibration that stirs us to action, to kindness, to mercy.  

I can show them that.  I can do that.

I can show them the One who Heals, instead of trying to be the one who fixes.

I can do that.